While I would LOVE to recount my awesomely fun and amazing adventures I had with Chad this weekend in K-W, there's a situation on my mind that I really need to vent about. I'll get to the rediculous cooking and bus stories another day.

So here goes...

Let's face it...we are all attention whores, in one way or another. I admit it, I love attention, and so does everyone else. It can come in different forms, getting recognition for something. With girls, it's usually getting recognized for our looks, because we're shallow humans, obviously. And I will admit it, I enjoy being looked at, I enjoy being in front of lots of people. It's just the way we all are. So here's my issue...

I mentioned this a little in some earlier posts, but didn't go into much detail, so I'll elaborate a little about this whole "ring girl" dillema I'm having.

Essentially, Chad wants me to be a ring girl at at least one of his upcoming shows.. His description of a ring girl is this: I walk out with a wrestler, maybe holding a sign, walk around for a minute or so, then take the wrestler's gimmicks and walk to the back. Seems simple enough? Hell, it sounds like a downright fun gig to me. Like I said, we're all attention whores, and this is a great way to get attention, considering playing music or acting isn't exactly in my cards these days.

But there's always a catch.

The first thing is the most obvious....it's wrestling. I don't know how many people have ever watched wrestling, or even been to shows...but the girls in wrestling are...how should I put it....typical? Someone once explained to me the initial appeal of wrestling to guys in the first place. It's apparently a guy's fantasy world (Chad is probably going to hate me for this). A fantasy world because 1. All the guys are huge and buff, and every problem is resolved through violence....2. All the girls are beautiful, sexy, sassy girls with gigantic tits etc...

In my eyes...I already don't fit in. So I think to myself..."well, Chad doesn't really fit in either, maybe I'll be ok!" And there's one argument semi taken care of.

But then...I find out that there's going to be alot more girls than I expected. At first, Chad told me it was going to just be me and Missy (a friend of Chad's who's done some modeling, I'm pretty cool with her), but then suddenly, there's 4-5 and even 6 girls that are doing this. Argh, people who know me, know that I do NOT mesh well with other girls. I get shy, drawn back, and end up being the outsider. This isn't exactly what you want when you're trying to present yourself to a crowd. I'm worried I'll have no charisma, no presence when I walk out there, due to the fact that I'm going to be surrounded by girls...attention whore girls. Fun...

And then the worst part of it all. The other day, Chad showed me a picture of one of the other girls who is going to be doing this whole ring girl thing. I'll give you a quick run-down of her...
-Tall
-Blonde
-Legs up to her face
-Huge tits
-White cleavage shirt and black mini skirt
-Heels

Hmm....and now a comparison to me
-Short
-Dyed black hair
-Stubby un-modelish legs
-No tits
-Layers upon layers of clothes
-Skater shoes

Who do you think the people are going to be yelling at, looking at, and all around just enjoying more.

I'll give you a hint...it's not the second one.

I'm not trying to get all down on myself right now. It's not like I'm saying I'm not attractive, because fuck, I know I'm hot. It's just, I appeal to a different type of people. I appeal to Chad, maybe some guys I know, but not your typical person who comes to a wrestling show to see the next Trish Stratus. I'm just seeing things from a very objective view.

Last night, Chad took a bunch of pictures of me "modeling" some of the new shirts he got made up for the PWA. A few were just of me standing around wearing a nice babydoll, and then some others were of me wearing a large men's shirt...just the shirt. As I was looking through the pictures, I realized how much better I like the ones of me in the babydoll. I just CAN'T be that girl that shows herself off and KNOWS how much the guys want her. It's just NOT in me. Chad told me to "act", shake my ass to the guys and act sassy...but I can't. It goes against every moral fibre in my body to act like one of those stupid fucking girls I've always made myself avoid being.

So now...on to my conclusion of this huge long post.

I suppose I'm still torn as to wether or not I'm going to be doing this ring girl thing. If I'm supposed to dress like the girl I saw on the website, and be like THAT, then there's no FUCKING way in HELL I'm doing it. I want so badly to do it for Chad, be involved in the thing he loves most, but there are some values I have, that I just cannot sacrifice. I do WANT to do this, but only if I can be myself, be Addy. Maybe I'll dress up a little (I hate dressing up), but if I can wear something that suits me, and act like myself, I want to do it. But there's still the issue of how I'll be compared to the other girls if I act like myself....

I don't know what I'm going to do. It may not seem like a big deal to anyone else, but I guess it struck a chord with me that goes way deeper than just "being a ring girl".

Go figure.

Please give me advice, I need it so bad.

Tried to save myself
But myself keeps slipping away
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 3:11 PM