We'll try to at least start this post off on a good note.

Yesterday was good, for the most part. It was mommy's birthday (50, holy cow), so there was much love and celebration in the household. I went out to the gym with mom as kind of a birthday gift (she's been begging me forever), and I must say, not too bad, it was quite fun. So we worked out, I enjoyed it, and low and behold, I joined the fucking gym.

HOLY SHIT, ADDY DID SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE AND GOOD FOR HERSELF FOR ONCE!

Afterwards, went to work, stupid shit went down involving the ex boyfriend, I was angry, end of story. Man I hate work sometimes.

Here's where things get bad...

When I got home from work, I started talking to Chad on msn. It went pretty normally for a while. Typical "hey baby" and "I miss you" so on and so forth. So then this happened...

Me: "So what are you up to tonight?"
Chad: "Just watching a movie with some people."

So right there, he said people, something was up of course, because normally he would just say who it is. Yes Chad, I can see right through you sometimes.

Me: "Oh cool, what people?"
Chad: "...*pause*....Ali and Alex."

Jesus christ...yes ok, so I'm somewhat paranoid about Ali, but honestly, am I that much of a bitch that you try to fucking HIDE from me that they're there? You think I'm going to jump on the next bus to Kitchener and run over to your house and bitch her out? No, that's not what I'm going to do. My jelousy never ever takes on physical forms, ever, only emotional for me.

I guess the whole thing really set me off for the rest of the night. Chad called me. The conversation didn't go well. Many awkward silences and me feeling bad for having him on the phone at all when his friends were over. He finally let me go, and I have no idea why....but I just came out with most likely the BITCHIEST thing I have ever said in all my existance.

Chad: "Ok, well I guess I'll talk to you later."
Me: "Ok, try not to hit on Ali too much."

WOAH WOAH WOAH! ADDY! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? I honestly can't tell you...it just...came out. I felt terrible after I said it...but...I don't know, I just felt like I had to say something.

Quick Addy, try to save your ass. Try to make up for it and show that you're not really that much of a bitch.

Me: "Haha...well, Chad I love you."
Chad: "Yeah, I love you too, bye" *hangs up*

FUCK.

It's pretty easy to see my point here. I'm an idiot. And I probably will be until the day I die. As much as I try to cover up the fact that I'm paranoid and jelous of certain girls, it always comes out, sometimes in the worst way possible.

After I got off the phone, I cried. I cried and cried and told myself that I was a fucking moron and shouldn't be allowed near any sharp objects or heavy machinary, because I'm too fucking stupid to handle myself in any situation. If I can't even handle her hanging out with Chad (yes, it's her), then my god, how do I expect to get through life?

After crying like a girl in junior high, I tried to reason with myself. "Calm down there kiddo, it's not that bad, you didn't do too much wrong." I stopped, just stopped everything I was doing...my god...I'm right.

As awful as this sounds, I feel as though I'm justified in this situation. As it stands right now anyway. I thought over WHY I'm so paranoid about this one girl...and well...I'm almost positive, that even if I asked the most un-jelous girl ever, she would agree with me in saying that I have at least some shred of reason to worry.

There are 3 main reasons. No details on here...only for Addy to know and hate.

I ask myself sometimes why I bother getting mixed up and jelous like this. Why do I even put myself in these situations? I guess I believe that in the end....after all the stupid petty shit like this is figured out, it's worth it in the end to be with Chad. Even if I have to deal with being paranoid and jelous, it's worth it to me.

Although Chad and I havn't had a fight yet...I'm slightly worried about this situation right now. It feels rough, it hurts, it's just basically...not a good feeling. I'm worried that he's going to read this before I get a chance to talk to him about it. So Chad....don't take anything in this too literally, until I actually get a chance to talk to you. You know that this thing is just for me to get emotions out when I need it most.

So in the end...

I still love Chad more than anything else I've ever known.

I'm an idiot when it comes to dealing with uncomfortable situations.

I'm a jelous bitch.

My legs hurt.

And I STILL love Chad more than he'll ever know.

Hurt.
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 9:44 AM