I think I finally know what Maynard meant when he said to "jam another dragon down the hole". So many things that are angering me have just been piling up and piling up today. I try to let them roll off my back or push them down, but I don't know how much longer I can do it.

Most of this is having to do with my dad. I fucking have just not been able to stand him as of late. Sure, I never have gotten along with him at all, but in the past few weeks, I've honestly contemplated ways to fucking kill him. I'm not sure if I ever could go through with actual murder, but I know that if there was one person I would ever kill, it would be him.

I've never known him to care about me in any way. He's never shown me affection, never talked to me about anything I actually cared about, and never given me anything but negative comments about everything I do.

I hate to use the whole "bad childhood" cliché, but honestly, he was a fucking absent alcoholic father for 15 years of my life, and now that he's gotten better apparently, he still has nothing better to do than either ignore me, criticize me, or contradict me. He has to be right about everything. According to him, I'm lazy, unhealthy, suck at hockey, don't do well in school, could have a better job, and am throwing my life away by not going directly into university next year.

Thanks dad, maybe you could've told me that when I was growing up. You know, made a better impression on me as a young'un. Oh wait, you were too busy drinking yourself stupid at bars and leaving mom alone to take care of me and Kirsten. There's times I wish that mom had left you for good, and we could've gotten away from you. The worst part about all this is the fact that since he got out of rehab, he fucking expects me to love him and forgive him for missing pretty much all of my life. Nice try dad, it doesn't work that way. I don't freely give away love and respect by default just because you're related to me. Maybe you should try actually trying to bond with me, but I think it's too late for that.

I think today was the final build up of shit over the last few weeks. It took all the self control I had not to punch him in the jaw and tell him I fucking hated him when I walked by him to go into my room. 2 things happened today that I nearly exploded on him for.

Number 1: I was in a bit of a rush to get to work this morning, because I had been talking to Chad about some stuff (p.s. Chad I don't care about that stuff anymore, really. I'm too upset about this situation to waste my time being angry about other trivial things), so I didn't have time to eat breakfast or pack a lunch for work. Around 2 at work, I called my dad and asked if him or my mom could bring me something to eat. He said sure, so I was happy, and went back to work.

About an hour later...no food. I called the house again, and apparently my dad had forgotten to tell mom to bring me something, because he was so wrapped up in this fucking SHITTY recording studio he has set up in our computer room. I nearly freaked out right there. All I asked for was something to eat, and you couldn't even remember that for 5 minutes, jesus christ.

Number 2: At 5 I was done work. I called home and this conversation occured...

Me: "Hey dad, could I get a ride home? If you're busy I can walk, it's not really a big deal."
Dad: "Oh, no no. I'll come get you in, um, 5 minutes ok?"
Me: "Cool, ok."

I waited 5 minutes and walked downstairs. He wasn't there. Hmm...ok, so I waited another 5 minutes...

and another...

and another....

and another....

I finally just thought "fuck this noise" and walked home.

I got home, and low and behold, he's still sitting at the fucking computer, fucking around with his recording shit. He turned to me and was like "Oh sorry...geezz I guess I forgot." I didn't say a word to him and just walked in here and slammed the door. How the fuck do you forget to pick up your own fucking daughter when she called you 5 minutes earlier!?

So in conclusion, if I seem overly irritable for the next little while...this is why. Don't be offended if I snap on you, or act like a complete bitch for no reason. I'm just trying to deal with this, and thank god there's only about 7 more months that I'm going to have to be living in this house.

Tilling My Own Grave To Keep It Level
Jam Another Dragon Down The Hole
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 5:26 PM