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Monday, December 19, 2005
Yet another thing I've realized about myself through my travels of life...
"The Addy is a strange creature, one of compulsive behaviour, often very concentrated and calculated. We see her here, on her long walk back to her home. As we can see, she has nothing to distract her, and as such, becomes restless on the long trek. We see her eyes light up, something has caught her attention. The promise of food? Shelter? A mate? No...because the Addy is also an intelligent creature, capable of complex thought. She has found a train of thought that interests her.
One characteristic of the Addy is her habit of delving into deep thought when there is no nearby distraction. This can be harmful to her well-being, as she is easily taken in by this thought, and left unguarded, vulnurable. In this state, she can easily be picked off by predators, or fall into traps laid by poachers. Although normally sly and cunning, the Addy is now a weak and helpless creature."
Yes, as you can see, I've discovered a weakness of mine. While walking home from school today, I had forgotten my ipod at home, and therefor had nothing to keep me occupied. I realized today that well...I should NEVER EVER be without my ipod on long walks or during my spare periods. Any time basically that I'll have time to think. Whenever I find myself in this situation, I try to find a train of thought that interests me to try and pass the time. In doing this however, I tend to OVER think things, my mind just goes a mile a minute....and sometimes this is really not a good thing. I start over-analyzing things, thinking the worst of things...making shit up in my head. It's fucked I tell you, FUCKED.
Today while I was walking home, I started thinking about this summer and how much time I'll be spending with Chad. I was happy for a while thinking about it, but like I said...the over-thinking soon came in, and I saw the worst in everything. About how we'll get sick of each other, it'll be cramped, so on and so on.
I also started thinking about the whole age thing, and how if I spend that mucg time with him, the whole age thing is going to be even worse, because he's going to want to go out the bars, and well...being 17, that's not really something I can do.
So again, over-thinking things...I decided that holy fuck, why the hell do I have to be 2 years older than I am now to enjoy life? I'm so sick of having all this pressure on me right now to "get an ID and come out to bars", to spend so much time with older people, to act older than I am. Am I not allowed to just act like myself? Act like the true teenager I am? What's so fucking good about bars anyway? Sure I would love to go out dancing with Chad, but oh my god, do I really have to go out to fucking bars to have a good time? It just really doesn't seem like my scene in the first place. I hate being with more than like...5 people at one time...I don't know how I would survive in a place like that.
Considering that the same thing was happening with Hogan, it's going on nearly 2 years since I've felt pressured to be acting older, and I'm getting fucking sick and tired of it. I know I may act alot more mature than my age, but that doesn't mean I AM older than my age. I'm still 17, still in high school, and that's not going to change, I don't WANT it to change. I know that ALOT of my last few blogs have been about this subject, but it's something that's seriously been affecting my life for the last 2 FUCKING YEARS, I can't help but think about it pretty much all the time.
So yes, Addy over-analyzes things, what's new?
So we can see that while beautiful, the Addy will always be a secretive and elusive beast, never meant to be captured or domesticated. A free creature with a passion for life and a sixth sense for survival, the Addy remains one of the most sought after unsolved secrets of the animal kingdom."
Oh, one more thing. I just want to thank Phil for helping me with my xmas presents today. I owe that kid BIG TIME for donated his time and talents, I heart you xxxcorexxx Philip.
From Now On I Will Behave
But In The Back Of My Mind I Will Be Enslaved
~Addy
