I know that this is the second post today, but right now I have some important issues to get off my chest. You don't have to read this anyway...I just need somewhere to let it out. I know Chad will read it, so that makes me feel a bit better.

Over the last week or so, I do believe I've fallen in my first real slump of ACTUAL depression since maybe...2 years ago? I guess I'm more or less disappointed in myself, disappointed that I can't control my own emotions. Can't control the way I feel or act around certain people. I'm disappointed in myself for allowing things to get this bad inside my own head.

In all fairness, I don't blame this all on myself. I believe there are some people that have contributed to my feelings. Overall though, it's still my fault in the end for letting it get to this point.

So for the first time, rather than be vague and artistic with how I'm feeling, I'm going to just openly say it, word for word, including every single name and event that is neccessary. I'm hoping that by letting Chad read this, it'll help him understand better what's going on with me...because god knows I can't fucking tell him about it in my own words on the phone to save my life. I feel so bad about the way I'm acting that I can't be straight up and tell him, I know what's going on...I just can't bring myself to say it to him. I'm sorry Chad, so hopefully by reading this, it'll make things better. Or worse...who's to say...

It's time for me to admit it to the world...I am overly jelous of basically every girl that my boyfriend interacts with that isn't blood related to him. I can't stand the thought of him being around another girl, with or without me there. When a girl touches him....I want to scream, my skin crawls so bad I feel like I need to take a chemical shower. When he mentions another girls' name, I want to pretend like he never said it, that she doesn't exist. I want to be the only girl in his life.

I know there are a few reasons I feel like this. I hate to pull out the cliché "father issues" card, but I have to. The fact that my dad was absent for about the first 15 years of my life made me crave male attention, made me want to have a strong male figure in my life. I've always relied on my boyfriends to be that figure for me, which is probably a good reason for my attraction to older men as well. This need for male attention made me ignore girls...and ultimately hate them, because I couldn't think of a better reason for my disinterest in them. So that's about it for the childhood portion, now on to more recent events.

The first boy I ever loved (my first real relationship)...cheated on me. Again, cliché I know, but I don't think I've felt a hurt stronger to this day. All the physical abuse I've taken doesn't even measure to the pain of knowing you've been betrayed by someone you loved, and someone that said they loved you. This just added to my hatred for girls, I figured that they couldn't be trusted, considering that 3 of my best girl friends at the time made moves on my boyfriend. I got so sick of all the drama, I couldn't take it anymore. I cut myself off from every girl I knew, and got close with my best friend (who still is today), Cedric. He basically helped me through the best and worst times up until now, something that no one else has ever done for me. This is why I started trusting guys more, and all my friends soon became guys. My hatred for girls grew even more. Compared to these guys who cared about me for who I was, and not for who I was dating, those girls were fucking scum.

I think this is the point where I decided that now, I trust my boyfriend, but I don't trust girls. I thought my boyfriend would always try to say no, but a girl would push and push until she got her way. I still believe this, but only because I've seen it. I guess there are a few things that I believe, and that I'm not ready to let go of.

When I got involved in my second real relationship (Sorry Dave W., but it's hard for me to consider our relationship REALLY real), I was terrified. I was so worried about what was going to happen, wether he would cheat on me too or not, I didn't notice anything else that was going on. I didn't notice the abuse, the neglect, the way he used me. I let myself get ruined and scarred because I was so worried about him cheating on me, betraying me. In the end, it didn't matter, he ended up not even having the fucking balls to break up with me, he just ignored me until I did the dirty deed myself. But again, there were other girls that wanted him, other girls that hit on him. In the end it didn't matter, I got hurt either way, but more and more of this mistrust just built up. The fact that 2 guys that I had spent over a year of my life with both betrayed me for other girls, made me hate the girls. I know I should hate the guys...but the childhood issues made me fucking stupid, and I placed the blame in the wrong place.

So there it is. Laid right out for everyone to see. I am over emotional and jelous, and I can't help it. If I knew how to stop it, and how to make myself not act this way, I would. Because not only does it hurt me, but it hurts my relationship with Chad.

I'm sorry everyone for being this way. I can't believe I let it get so bad. I can't believe I'm to a point where my boyfriend can't talk to his friend alone without me freaking out, getting suspicious, and almost putting my fist through the glass of a vending machine. I can't believe I almost cried when my boyfriend hugged his friend. I can't believe I am this fucked up.

I may not be crazy, depressed or on valium/lithium like some girls, but my god, I am not fucking perfect. I have my head on straight, I know what I want in life and I know how great of a person I am, but there's always going to be that voice embedded in the back of my mind, telling me that it's too good to be true, and that that girl who's "just a friend" is better than me in every way.

I hope this helps you all understand what exactly is going on in my head. I hope you understand now why I hate meeting girls, and why I will ALWAYS despise every girl I meet until I'm given a good reason not to. It's nothing personal, it's just a product of the events in my life.

I'm sorry everyone.

I'm sorry Chad. I really fucking hope you can forgive me for being this way. March is only 4 months away right? God dammit...I've just fucked myself over...I know it...

Sometimes...
~Addy
- posted by Eddie @ 9:04 PM