A new (good) feeling....

Well, a strange thing has just happened to me, and I felt as though I should write it down in some form or another.

Last night, Chad and I were talking on the phone, and he brought up how he was going to be meeting with a girl he was sort of involved with before me. I know he doesn't like her at all, in fact, I think he just kind of wants his hoodie back...but also he doesn't like to burn bridges with people, which is perfectly understandable.

Now, the point to the story. As most of my friends know, all the boyfriends I've ever had, I've always been their first girlfriend. I've been "involved" with a couple guys who I wasn't their first, but all real relationships I've had, I was the only girl they've ever been with as more than a friend. Chad is the first boyfriend of mine who has had girlfriends before me, and had little flings with a few girls as well. When I first started dating Chad, it was a really strange thing to hear him talk about ex girlfriends and such, I'm used to being the only girl in a guy's life, so I was somewhat...well, concerned I guess about how this was going to affect me.

I found that I didn't really mind all that much when Chad talked about his exes. Sure there were a few times when I wished he hadn't brought something up, but I was guilty of the same thing, we were pretty much even. Even when he talked about the girls he sortof just had little flings with, I was ok hearing about it. Like he said, it helped let me know what NOT to do in the relationship, plus he seemed to hold me in pretty high regard in comparison when talking about these girls.

So last night, Chad was reading me some of the emails that this one girl had been sending him, and wether he realizes it or not, it was rediculously obvious to me that she still wanted him...bad. it kind of hit me that there really have been other girls in Chad's life before me, and they weren't going to go away no matter how much I wanted them to. I trust Chad with all my heart, but you guys know how I feel about girls. As far as I'm concerned, most girls are fucking stupid sluts that don't care about anyone but themselves (sounds harsh I know, but I've had too many bad experiences). I was a little depressed last night knowing that he was going to be meeting her today, I tried to shrug it off and sleep on it, but it was still bothering me this morning. I talked to Jocelyn about it at lunch today, and she told me not to worry, Chad would never do anything to hurt me. I knew he wouldn't, but I'm an idiot and tend to let stupid things worry me, so I still felt upset.

I went home early from school, still not knowing what to think. It hurt even more because I thought that Chad was probably with her at that exact moment. I got home and checked out Chad's LJ, and left him a nice comment because he's having a tough time right now. Surprisingly, he was on msn, and we just talked for a while. I felt alot better just having a nice conversation with him. Feeling picked up, I went about my little hobbies when Chad took off for work.

I went back to Chad's LJ a bit later to see what other comments had been left. I saw that the aforementioned girl Chad was supposed to meet had posted a comment, saying something about how she still wanted to be his friend and hang out...yadda yadda yadda. I felt a little upset, just seeing in writing right in front of me how she wants to be close to him hurt me just a bit, fuck.

So here's where that feeling comes in. After reading that, I went back to sewing some clothes, and I put on this pair of pants I had just altered, and I looked in the mirror to see how they fit. I looked at myself for a second, and just thought to myself....wow, I'm really not that bad looking, I'm nice I guess, I try to be funny...I'm not that bad of a catch! I just felt really good about myself suddenly, and realized that I should not worry at all about these girls that are after Chad, because I know he loves me, and everything he tells me about how perfect I am for him is honest from his heart. Just looking good and hard at myself for that split second made me realize that I shouldn't worry, everything will be fine if I just keep being myself.

So even though all these girls are after Chad (there are a few others I don't feel like mentioning right now), I know I can trust him, and I know that I'm worth something. I know I wouldn't throw away what me and Chad have right now for anything, and I'm pretty confident that he feels the same way. The new good feeling is one of confidence, something I've never had. I've been fucked around by alot of guys, and never had someone be loyal to me, so it's strange that I'm so comfortable with this situation. I just can't get over how stable I feel right now, and how good I am feeling about myself.

I love how unique I am feeling today, and I love almost everything about myself. I know I probably sound really really stuck up and cocky...but it's not like that at all. I wish I could explain it a bit better, but I'm just very happy with who I am right now. Let me enjoy it, haha.

So after that, I am going back to sewing while listening to just about every kind of music imaginable. I am happy.

It doesn't matter what you say
Cause my confidence will lead the way
Words will never do, sad but true
Well and if I didn't act this way
Well it just wouldn't be the same
That wouldn't do 'cause I'm not you
I'm not you, no
And I could care less what you see
I'm just nevertheless here for me
~Addy

P.S. Minä te lempia Chad
- posted by Eddie @ 5:56 PM